Tag Archives: humor

Don Kee

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My friend Don Kee applied for a job in the UN, hoping for grade P2. After a wait of 17 years, during which he filled in 265 forms, because he did not know anyone on the inside, he finally got unlucky. Here is Don at the office:

However, Don resigned from the UN when he saw the lunch facilities at Cafe Nosebag, and is now studying for his Masters in Maladministration at the University of Ears Anglia. He will soon be unleashed on some unsuspecting NGO, where he will bray about his past achievements with Ban Kee Moonshine.

Here is Don relaxing with friends (he has burned ears, because I am talking about him) :

Now, some tracking tips from Interpol. This is how you can tell if Don has been at your vegetable patch:

For comparative analysis, see below. This is not Don Kee. You can tell from his feet.

And finally, here is Don’s Uncle Black Beard, which is a bit odd if you think about it. I have no idea how he got in here. Probably on a rope.

Next week: ‘Don Kee Goes To Blackpool’ (and doesn’t come back).

Naomi Campbell-Soup ‘thought Charles Taylor was Elizabeth Taylor’

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Top model train-set Naomi Campbell-Soup has told the Special Court for Ford Sierra that she thought former Liberian president Charles Taylor was former Hollywood actress Elizabeth Taylor.

Elizabeth Taylor

Charles Taylor

Here is Naomi’s testimony in full:

“I had never heard of Africa. I only went on that train because my assistant told me there would be a chance to meet Lord Nelson of Mandela.

“At the dinner the night before, I had been sitting next to a person called Taylor who offered me some diamonds.

“I thought that person was Elizabeth Taylor, who has got too many if you ask me.

“Only later did I find out it was Prince Charles of Taylor and he wanted to get his leg over. Now bring me some champagne.”

Naomi Campbell-Soup was raised in Streatham but not very well.

We will keep you misinformed on the latest fashions in Ford Sierra.

Kagame arrests Kagame

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Rwandan President Paul Kagame has arrested himself.
He says it has nothing to do with an argument he had with Rwandan President Paul Kagame.

Mr Kagame has been charged with divisionism, subtractionism, and multiplicationism.

However, Presidential elections are due in August and he is expected to win by a landslide. He would also win by an avalanche but there is no snow in Rwanda.

Last year in Kigali, two TV weather girls were executed by 2-hour speech, for saying they saw a cloud on the horizon.

Paul Kagame invented the Internet and recently increased the salaries of his Presidential Brigade – the soldiers responsible for guarding the president – but not those of other military personnel.

Despite being in trouble, he is not in trouble.

Kittens Cause Volcanoes says Iran

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Kittens are responsible for eruption of the volcano in Iceland , a senior Iranian cleric has said.

Yewhafgot Tubby Jokkingh told worshippers in Tehran last Friday that they had to stick to strict codes of kittens to protect themselves.


“Many kittens have big ears and they probably heard rumbles underground but did not tell us,” he said.

“What can we do to avoid being buried under lava? There is no other solution but to get up at 4am and sing Death to All Kittens,” he said.

Here is a picture of a kitten causing air chaos all over the world and just look at those ears.

That’s all from the Pussian Empire.

Yer Blues

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If you love Blues, this is the place for you. Below, we play trombone to some of the greats.

1. Blimin’ Horlix

Blimin’ Horlix was born in a moccasin but moved away as a teenager, when his father threatened to turn his guitar the right way up. Blimin’ is well known for his blistering fretwork on Puppet On A String by Petula Clarkson-Missiisspiiisi, and other tremendous hits. After trying to inject plutonium into his fingers, sadly he died on New Year’s Eve in 1959, just before the 60′s, which he probably would have invented.

2. Grub E. Tapwater


The legendary Tapwater only ever recorded half a song, in 1893. If you ever hear it, I’ll have to find someone else even more obscure. The song has only two chords, E and A. It was called: I Woke Up This Morning When My Alarm Clock Went Off and it is visceral in its powerpoint presentation. He sold the other half of the song to the Devil, who was at the bus stop. Grub sadly died in 1894 after a poisonous chat with Robert Johnson who refused to teach him the chord B7. Don’t tell me you’ve heard of Grub E. Tapwater, because I bet you haven’t.

3. Jim Morose One

Jim Morose One was born in Leathertrousers, USA and never wore a shirt. As a young child he had a mystical mystery with a dead Apache, and decided to sing like one.  He was the illegitimate 7th son of Che Hemingway and Lola Shotgun, and wrote the famous song Light My Willy.  His girlfriend Tonto found him dead in the bath in Doncaster and he was later buried in Paris at the famous Repair les Chairs cemetery, under Arthur Rimrod.

4. Plob Towncar

Plob Towncar is the most talented musician, writer and spokesman for an entire generation gap who never lived. Just ask him. Plob was a founder member of legendary Bwitish Mod band The Who Signed These, along with Roger D-d-d-diatribe and swivel-eyed drummer Meek Venus. There was a bass-player too, Patrick Thistle.

Plob was best-known for driving his Union Jock Mini Cooper into the audience at full volume. Plob is very modest, well-spoken and not at all pissed off with life in general, or even the gargantuan success of contemporaries like The Rolled Oats, The Bootle and Lug Zippo. As a guitar player , these days he prefers a Fender Stratocaster, because it is a lot cheaper than a Les Paulocoster. Plob lives in a windmill and enjoys the Internet.

4. Jude Lemon

Jude Lemon was born in Hartlepool and was tortured to death by his father at the age of 5 but he got better. Jude invented the banjo and Elvis Presley. His group The Bootle changed the world, which used to be square, but from 1963 it became a sphere. Jude married Paula McCuteknee in 1969 and some people never forgave him. He is not dead.

5. Vay Grunt

For Vay Grunt, blues is a way of life. Here he is suffering on account of his art and the bottle of tuica he had for breakfast. His debut CD, released soon, is entitled Umbla caiinii cu covrigi in coada (The Dogs Go Round With Doughnuts On Their Tails). Please do not pretend you have heard of Vay, or that you saw his legendary gig on a park bench in Cluj.

MORE BLUES GREATS AS SOON AS WE KNOW MORE THAN YOU