Monthly Archives: February 2011

Berluscampi denies sex with miners

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Italian Prime Minister Slippery Berluscampi


Italian Prime Minister Slippery Berluscampi says he did not pay for sex with miners.

However, Italian persecutors claim that Mr Berluscampi would regularly invite miners to VIP parties at his luxury home on the exclusive island of Ravioli, where they would take off their tin hats, show him their sandwiches and shine their lamps in all sorts of places.

Later, they were paid thruppence and they bloody well earned it, lad.

Above: Just some of the miners allegedly invited to VIP parties. Please note famous left-handed spade player Paul McCoalseam, seated, front row. He’s now back in the USSR.

Above: Smokin’ Salvatore Arkwright - a regular guest at VIP parties?

Below: Fabio Ramsbottom claims he was paid to bend over and say “Where’s me canary?”

However, Mr. Berulscampi insists that he does not know any miners and he has never even been underground, except in a car park where he did not steal any bloody hubcaps, before you start. The tanned Italian premier added: “Mama mia. This is giving me a headache.”

Mr Berluscampi’s wife, the Contessa de Lego, said: “Ti piace PlayStation? “

Above: Contessa de Lego relaxing at home with the man she calls ‘Pumpkin’

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[with thanks to Vlad A. Arghir for 'persecutors']

Royal Wedding Pyramid for Sale

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Due to non-stop sales (and police) inquiries, we regret to announce that we have only one more Souvenir Pyramid for Sale. I’d better be quick as I can hear democracy approaching:

Exclusively designed by CIA agents who had nothing better to do, it is known as:

THE ROYAL WEDDING PYRAMID

This stunning pyramid is over 5000 years old and has existed since the dawn of facebook. As you can see the stunning design has a King’s Chamber (where Prince Willyummy will sleep) and a Queen’s Chamber (where Kate Middlesexy won’t sleep) and also a descending passage where archaeologists have no idea.

Notice too, the Weight Relieving chamber, for your personal fatness regime.

The air shaft will provide air after you have been shafted.

Anyway, I’d better go as truth and justice are just around the corner.

BUY NOW WHILE OUR SOCKS LAST

Please contact:

Mohammad Enron Wood-Alcohol

Pyramid Selling Inc

c/o The Bank of Mubarak

Slime El-Shake

Egypt

Our gold painted sales assistants will be happy to extract your confession

Another Pyramid for Sale

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Due to unpopular demand, we have decided to extend our range of Exclusive Souvenir Pyramids to cater for an incredible number of phone calls since the dawn of democracy over the River Bile, one of which was from the cops but never mind about that.

Here is our latest exclusive-designer design, designed exclusively by designers. We call it:

THE FOOD PYRAMID

This super commeromemeroative pyramid is shaped like a pyramid (unlike some pyramids) and is a must for anyone who eats food and especially people who don’t (E.G. slaves).

Buy now while our socks last.

Please contact:

Mr. M. El Bad-Guy

Pyramid Selling Inc.

c/o The World Bunk

(near The Whitewash House)

Our gold-painted sales assistants will be happy to worship you forever.

your fiends at Pyramid Selling Inc. have decided to extend

Pyramid for Sale

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In the words of President Mubarak Obama, now that democracy has finally dawned on the River Nil and the arc of mystery has been snapped in two and some stuff about Ghandi as well, we are thrilled to announce an exclusive offer which should appeal to the discerning few (if you are not discerning, please stop reading):

 

SOUVENIR PYRAMID FOR SALE

 

Can be converted into a large loft

Guaranteed to bring you good vibes

This pyramid is pyramid-shaped and has excellent views (especially from the top).

Hand-made over many years by genuine slaves

John Simpson discovered it

Burial chamber included

Mummy will love it.

 

Be the envy of all your fiends

BUY NOW WHILE OUR SOCKS LAST

Please contact:

Dr. Martin Loofah-King

PYRAMID SELLING INC.

c/o The International Monetary Fun

(near The White House)

Our gold-painted sales assistants will be happy to walk sideways.


 

 

 

Fernando Times

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Here is Fernando Times having a little lie down during today’s Big Match with Liversausage FC. As you can see, Fernando is doing some sums. This is essential when you is a Top Golgeta. Pity he didn’t Getagol though.

Next week: How to buy a little house in London. Actually, probably not that little.

Breaking newboys: We’ve just heard that Liversausage won by 0-1. That’s all from the Sports Desk.